#77 Crossing Over

Evil Emperor Nick on April 11, 2006

The Crossover has cometh!

Originally I had a promo-animation for the crossover to get some hype going but since everyone knew this was coming this time around and it was no surprise I decided to skip it.

Rant

Relatives are something akin to a nuclear power. Something you don’t want in Iran but you probably don’t want in your backyard either. In fact most relatives are best at a distance, like one hour away from you to give you time to get into your bunked if one should suddenly come your way.

I have a policy of not indulging my relatives faults and expecting no indulgence back. This works well with my grandmother whom I share a dynamic relationship of mutual disrespect for in all this political but an otherwise very good relationship with.

Grandmother: What do you think about the internet being tax?
Me: I think it should be tax free as it is an international system taxed no where else any sort of restriction would put the country at a disadvantage and drive out tech companies.
Grandmother: WRONG!
Me: Old woman your option is unrealistic and irrelivent. I will cancel out your vote!
Grandmother: Young fool! Your political opinions shall lead us to ruin! Join me and together we shall vote together as Grandmother and Grandson!
ME: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU! Stop this Grandmother, I still sense good in you.
Grandmother: If you will be turned, THEN YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!
*Dramatic fight scene*

No wait that was Star Wars, well close enough. The point is we don’t BS with each other and I am cool with that even if it is a kick in the ego now and she pull out the surprise left hook by agreeing with me every once in while. Luckily this is rare as we are scary when we agree, it isn’t natural.

Now my relationship with Grandfather is more like a bad sitcom.

I come home after a late night party and go to bed, 2 hours later.

Grandfather: NICK!
Me: What?!?!?!?!
Grandfather: I was thinking I would like to go the pancake breakfast tomorrow and do some running around before we go to church tomorrow. So what do you say we get up at 8 and get that stuff out of the way. You can nap after church if you want.
(Now my grandfather cannot drive himself so if I say no the means he doesn’t get to leave his condo all weekend.)
Me: …………………..Ummm yea I guess. What time is it.
Grandfather: 7:55, I slept for 2 whole hours last night. I must have been tired. Okay lets get going. First stop is the drycleaners.
Me: You sir are a fiend.
Granddad: No Nick, I am your Grandfather.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



So events like this have set up several chains of events I am far less comfortable with recently. For example I run late to work on day and forget to flush the toilet on my way out. While I am at work. My aunt comes over to visit. Suddenly my bathroom habits are the subject of family discussion. I’m sorry I don’t want that to be open for public commentary till I’m 76 and unable to control it, and even then in hushed tones. Since coming to stay with my grandfather apparently every aspect of my existence is fair game for family chat.

Now if I had this problem with a girl friend, well I’d just break up with her. We would shout, we would cry, she’d eat chocolate, I’d buy myself a new coat. In the end we would both grow a bit, in the sense we would gain a few pounds, and move on. If I had a problem with my friends I would just tell him, and he would ignore me. If I had a problem with my cat I would just get onto the freeway and roll down the window. With relatives however it is a little different.

Almost all families have a strange seniority system in which the older you are the more your relatives are supposed to indulge you. Like a dark mafioso organization they are protected by there ties to each other. You cannot lash out at once without the other descending upon you.

So I’ve resolves to solve this problem simply…..well actually I don’t know how I’m going to change my relatives. If I knew that I’d be making guess spots on the Ophra show to demonstrate my new system for fixing the things that drive you nuts about your family. I guess like the rest of us I’ll have to grin and bear it for now and hope my relatives don’t drive me any more nuts then I drive them.

Well until next time remember everyone like family like nuclear power can explode at any time so try not to rock the boat to much, I’m off to get myself so well earned sleep .

-Empire Out