Granted. The apartment building is a death trap due to cut corners, shoddy workmanship and half a dozen other problems, but, hey, you can move in early.

I wish the teacher for figure drawing would hurry up and post what we need for the class on the Supe Store's website.

Granted. the incredible hulk smashes through your wall, and in a fit of blind rage grabs you and throws you high into the air. You happen to land right on top of your new residence. you smash through the roof landing on the floor broken and bloody.

I wish I was the hero of a Disney movie. nothing bad ever happens to the hero of a Disney movie.

Granted. You're the hero in The Frog Prince. You're safe, but you and your movie are absolutely reviled by Disney movie-goers everywhere.

I wish the package I ordered from Barnes & Nobles would hurry up and get here.

It does. Unfortunately It's not what you ordered.
(It's a bomb)

Scratch that, I got a better one.

The parcel does exactly what you wished, it gets to you a lot faster. It flies out of the store, across streets, through buildings, in a direct path to you. It crashes through your door, it crashes through walls and everything in its way until it hits you right in your chest, killing you instantly.

I wish I could speak all languages fluently.

Granted. You are then able to tour the world at leisure, being able to speak any language in any country. However, after a visit to Moscow, you draw the attention of both the CIA and the FSB. Both the U.S. and Russian governments then assume that your a spy in their country, which leads to political discontent between the two countries and eventually sparks an all out nuclear war that decimates the entire planet, exterminating the human race.

I wish I had my Master's Degree in Entomology already.

(P.S. The package finally got here. According to the online tracking it was sitting in a shipping center in Oklahoma for nearly a week for some reason).

Granted, but all the jobs you apply for require 20 years. of Entomology work experience.

I wish I could play the bass guitar as well as I can draw.

Granted, your drawing skills suddenly turn to crap.

I wish I had three more months of vacation time.

Granted. You lose your job- now you have all the vacation time you could want.

I wish the new DLC expansion for Borderlands was available already.

Granted. The graphics are unfinished as well as the fact that they decided to release it without proper beta testing. now because of you, the company that made the game went out of business because it turns out that they were riding primarily on the project.

I wish I had a completely brand new sterilized salt shaker filled with premium sea salt and nothing else.

Granted. It was irradiated before coming to you. You are exposed to triple the lethal dose of radiation.

I wish Salsa would remember to post a wish of his own next time.

Granted, but it takes weeks for anyone to get around to corrupting it.

I wish Cheeze Wiz could be used as an alternative fuel source.

Granted. Unfortunately it causes a new world-wide environmental disaster known as Global Cheesing.

I wish to be amazingly skilled at everything.

Granted. Unfortunately, this includes being amazingly skilled at sucking at everything.

I wish I had a new bookcase.

Granted, but it's made entirely out of old bologna… and it got pretty warm while being delivered to your house, so you may wanna put some air fresheners around it.

I wish every public library in America had a section devoted to biographies of Abe Vigoda.

Granted. That new section is called ‘the lonely volume sitting on the back of the toilets.’ I wish I could go back in time to Nazi Germany, marry Hitler, and change him into a good man.

Granted. However, you alter history in unforeseeable ways so that Hitler is successfully assassinated during Operation Valkyrie. As the countries under the Third Reich fall into disarray from lack of leadership, the Soviet Union, sensing the power vacuum, moves in and takes over the entire European continent. Once the U.S. defeats Japan, they realize that they are the sole country now standing against global communism. After an extended conflict, the Soviets finally invade U.S. soil and completely wipe out our military power. Now unopposed, they set up a global communist dictatorship for the next 5000 years, after which point rebels guerrillas storm the Kremlin. In the confusion of battle, someone accidentally activates the global launch code for all of Russia's nukes, thereby obliterating the world and the human race. The immense radiation from the warheads soon kills off all remaining life, and ensures that no living thing will ever walk the world again.

I wish the 80+ people at the party in the apartment next door would hurry up and go home. Or at least turn off the damn stereo speakers (it's past 1:00 a.m. here and my roommate's about ready to call the cops on them!)

Granted, but now all of them will start coming to your house unannounced.

I wish for a ray of destruction and a giant robot!

Granted. The ray destroyed the robot and left lots of metal crap around.

I wish cooking didn't take time

Granted. Enjoy your salmonella.

Wait, I got a better one…

Granted. You stick a hot pocket in a microwave, which shorts out, causing the microwave-emitter to go critical and explode, blowing up your house and killing you and poisoning the rest of your neighborhood with radioactive fallout.

I wish I could go back in time and meet H.P. Lovecraft.

Granted. You meet him in his early life. Your knowledge of the future is so vast that he becomes convinced that you are God. Instead of writing he opts to create the First Church of Dave7. In the present day his fanatical followers hunt you down and burn you as a heretic for using God's name as your own, thus creating the paradox in which you never return to the past to meet Lovecraft in the first place. All life is destroyed as the universe explodes.


I wish I had a pet rock.

Granted. But then one day, you come home from a hard day of work and, happy to see you, your pet rock runs up to you and tries to jump into your arms, but misses and beams you in the head instead, knocking you into a coma.

(BTW, Wordweaver, H.P. Lovecraft was a devout atheist, so I think I would be more like a servant of Cthulhu to him, at best :-p )

I wish I was finished with this homework assignment.

Granted. But then a bird flies through a window and steals the homework so you have to start over.

I wish I had more motivation.

Granted. You now have so much motivation that you feel invincible and try to break down a brick wall with your head for money.

…..Needless to say it doesn't work so well.



I wish my main comic could somehow win a DD award some day despite my main comic not even being on DD.

Granted. You win one during the 2011 DD awards, but this pisses-off a whole horde of angry DD members, who manage to get a hold of your home address and then proceed to fire-bomb your house with you inside.

I wish I had more time to read my old H.P. Lovecraft first editions (got 'em for a steal on e-bay).

Dave7
I wish I had more time to read my old H.P. Lovecraft first editions (got 'em for a steal on e-bay).

You fall down some stairs and become a quadriplegic. …now you have alllll the time in the world.

I wish I wasn't so handsome, sexy and loved by all.

Granted. You are now Dane Cook.

I wish my car door war fixed.

Granted. The war between the driver's side door and passenger side door has come to an end. They get along so well that they take a vacation in the Bahamas together. While away you get t-boned by an SUV, get ejected from your car and die.

(BTW: I should cyberslap you for not getting the Lovecraft joke)


I wish I had the ability to cyberslap.

Granted, but it's a complicated, painful profess that really causes YOU more pain than the victim.

I wish the next Mega Man game based all its bad guys on human organs (like Spleen Man or Pancreas Man)

Granted, but the battles against Penis Man, Vagina Man, and Mammary Man get the game banned in your country.

I wish I was as handsome, sexy and loved by all as ozoneocean.