Granted, but all that overflowing happiness makes you so high on endorphins, you don't realize that your heart explodes from the constant state of happiness.

I wish for a cup of water.

You drown in it.

I wish I had the power to control people's minds.

Granted. You also have to hear what they think when you control them, the constant barrage of inaneness drives you to suicide.

I wish for an apple pie.

Granted. One road apple pie coming right up


I wish I had a cup of coffee

Granted. But it's a large cup of mega-caffeinated kava. The ungodly amount of caffeine gives you massive hypertension and causes your heart to explode.

I wish I was better at Tekken 6.

Your wish is granted…congrats…it took you 50 years and thousands of hours to become the best at that game. meanwhile your grandchildren are beating your ass at tekken 15


I wish I had a higher intellect

You suddenly become ridiculously smart, all the knowledge in the universe begins to collect in your brain. Unfortunately for you, the part of your brain that holds knowledge can't actually hold that much information and it overflows into other parts of your brain like your emotion centre and the parts of your brain that controls movement and speech. You basically become and all knowing vegetable trapped inside your infinite wisdom.

I wish for rocket shoes.

Granted> You make the news under the headline “Wile E. Coyote wannabe dies from exploding shoes.”

I wish I had a sandvich.

Granted. as you go driving down the road you get sandwiched between two fast traveling semi trucks.

I wish for more wishes.

Granted, each wish is given in exchange for five nines of you remaining life span.

Note: five nines= 99.999%

I wish I had a savings account with five nines interest.

Granted, but you have no money to put in there in the first place, making it moot. Not to mention that it doesn't look good on your credit report and the bank has to close it anyways.

I wish Sarah Palin would just kill herself and get it over with.

Granted, but first she unleashes Alaska's nuclear payload in the artic, so a army of pissed off baby seals eat you alive.

I wish that the next wish won't make anything bad happen to me.

Granted. But this brings the game to a screeching halt and creates a paradox, opening up a rift in time and space. Eldritch beings far beyond the comprehesion of man come spewing out, smashing buildings and devouring people until the entire earth is consumed. They then proceed to consume other, neighboring planets, and branch out at an exponential rate until they've devoured all matter in the universe, thus bringing about the End of All Things.

I wish the employers I sent resumes to would call back already.

They do, but it's a prank call.

I wish for an infinite supply of monster energy drinks.

Granted, they're all flat and energy-less.

I wish I had a magical prettyful sparkly pixie unicorn from rainbow land.

Magical pretty sparkly unicorns from rainbow land are actually incredibly violent and territorial creatures. One of them magically appears next to you and then skewers you with its horn.

I wish for really nice pen.

Granted. But the only ink it works with is the blood of dead infants.

I wish I could get some sleep.

You fall into a deep sleep, only to ever be woken by true love's kiss. You never wake up.

I wish I had more dead-baby ink for my rad pen.

Granted, Your arrested for infanticide. And you also managed to summon demons and monsters…nice job breaking it hero.


I wish I know Python.

Granted. But this is the only Python song you know, and it's now playing through your head for all eternity.


I wish Cthulhu would leave me alone.

Granted, but he's not dead. So, not good.

I'm bringing about 10 people over from another site here for mafia games! I hope the site survives! Oh, I mean, I wish the site survives.

Your wish is granted! The site survives. I just wish I could say the same for the people who use it.

I wish I could think of an uncorruptable wish.

Granted, but you suffer a head injury that makes you forget everything that lead to that wish and half of them were once in a lifetime events.

I wish we had FTL already.

Granted. Unfortunately, no one can control the Flying Tyrannosaurus League leading to the destruction of all humans.

I wish everything good about life would go horribly wrong for me.

Granted. You switch your life with mine.

I wish my life didn't suck so much.

Granted, you are now a vacuum, which sucks slightly less then your previous life.


I wish for Kombat Kubs to win “Best Deliciously Offensive”.

Granted. But in order to qualify the comic had to be eaten by the server.

I wish I hadn't gained 6 pounds that I had lost.

Granted. You have a friend perform impromptu liposuction on you in his garage, but he botches the surgery and you die of blood loss.

I wish I didn't have to pay back my student loans after I graduate.

Granted. Thanks to a goof up at the bank, you now have to pay back all the damages that BP now owes. BP just has to pay back your student loans, and no, the bank will not and cannot correct this grave error.

I wish I was better at using my tablet.

Granted. You then go on to draw an amazing masterpiece in photoshop. But before you can save any of it, a freak electrical storm comes through and causes a power-surge, frying your computer and your tablet. The current then jumps from the tablet to the stylus and then through your hand and throughout your body, fatally electrocuting you.

I wish I could hurry up and move into my new apartment.